Reality ~ NIFTY IS A FIGHT Redux

I THOUGHT I LOST THIS LAST NIGHT BUT IT WAS SAVED.  I IMMEDIATELY KNEW I LEARNED SOMETHING.  THIS IS WHAT I WROTE.~~~

I was thinking about how great my year 50 was and how great my year 52, is not.
I also know that I make my own reality.  It could be nifty 52 if I wanted it to be.
My rose colored idealism has been knocked off of my face.

• I am still having many sick days.
• I still have to struggle just to do the basics.
• I am still not where I want to be with my art.
• I still do not have a "normal"  life.

I actually never had  one but when you are counting the bad and not being grateful for the good that is what you will get!

I guess this is my clue to buck up and do what my guru taught me.
I forget exactly what he said but it is hard to hate your life when you count things you are grateful for,  living things,  Not your big screen TV!

• Mark would be first,  duh!
• Love - I get so much love from so many.
• Life of all kinds.
• Flowers.  I love flowers!  I would love to grow things like horsetail.
• The birds living outside of my window.

I have noticed that I fill in my empty time with darkness.  I could fill it with light.
I realized this week that somewhere along the line I got the idea that if
I loved myself,  said positive things about myself,  was proud of myself,  that it was a bad thing.
That it is was  egotistical and arrogant.   It is also easier to beat myself up.  If I don't do these things I do not have a problem.  I am great.  I can be happy.  I do not have to listen to my fear and ego dragging me down.

~~~~   That last paragraph is where I left off last night.  I rewrote it a little.  It looked like I was very tired and not aware of what I was doing.
The one thing that has been missing now; from my year 50, is  optimism,  hope, and excitement over getting a new life filled with things I have always wanted but never worked for.  I have to tell you that Mark is not letting me give up.  The biggest reason I  do not have what I want is because I give up on myself. He is my biggest cheerleader. 
Hopefully I will get  excitement back.    I try and things don't go as well as I had hoped.  Since I am not feeling well I get disillusioned easily.  
When I thought I lost this last night I was very upset.  Instantly I knew that It was a lesson. There are some big changes coming.  I am not afraid of change.  I am just fed up with rough roads and being tested.  It is spring.  I am getting ready for my garden.
I may not get to New York  this year  and I might not ever get to Europe.  There are other things I would like to do.  Those are the two big ones but if they never get done it is not a tragedy.
When I started writing this I was going to say how I lost my nifty 50.  The truth is that  'nothing worthwhile is easy' !  I just forgot that.  I let being sick and having some struggles cloud my heart.   As long as there is a moon in the sky I will be happy and love!

Stephen Dunn

"Often a sweetness comes 
as if on loan, stays just long enough 
to make sense of what it
means to be alive, 
then returns to its dark
source. As for me, I don't care
where it's been, or what bitter road
it's traveled / to come so
far, to taste so good."

UP DATES

IF I USE BIG TYPE IT'LL SEEM LIKE I HAVE A LOT TO SAY.
MY NIFTY 50 PROJECT IS GOING SLOWLY, BUT GOING.  I WILL SOON BE 52.  JUST A FACT.
THE ONE THING I HAVE GAINED IS A HAPPINESS I NEVER KNOWN AND SO MUCH LOVE IT IS OVERWHELMING.
SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE FANS. 
I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM.
THE MONEY PROBLEMS ARE REALLY ROUGH BUT I AM NOT LETTING IT DEFEAT ME AND DESTROY ME LIKE I USED TO.

 I DON'T HAVE A LOT TO SAY.  I AM DOING.  I AM FIGHTING. GLOMMY IS STILL.

WELL IT'S LATE GOOD NIGHT.   I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR EVERY  MOMENT!

ONE DAY DOWN NEXT DAY BY THE END OF THE DAY

ME PROJECT

having a real real hard time with my 'me' project... it's a bitch

i am lost and floundering right now

in case you don't know/forgot...trying to get  the life i want for me.  not w/o Mark but everyone needs their own.  i have never really done that .

:-D :-D

TIRED AT THIS MOMENT BUT GRATEFUL AND HAPPY AND LOVE AND LIGHT...

I WISH THIS FKNG BRAIN TUMOR WOULD JUST KILL ME AND GE TIT OVER WITH DAMMIT..ENOUGH I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

 I WISH THIS FKNG BRAIN TUMOR WOULD JUST KILL ME AND GE TIT OVER WITH DAMMIT..ENOUGH I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

sshhh i digress

i just played someone's link to an 80's song i didn't know.

i know this is a huge huge sin spiritually but i really really really really 
wish i could turn the clock back to 20 and know what i now know and do it over.

i know that's  not real.   i don't visit this stupidity often

i am having a much bigger problem turning 51; in about 6 weeks, then i did turning 50.  i loved turning 50.
i hate turning 51.

censoring negative thoughts here.

i can't even talk about the hole in me

i put it there

i am having trouble filling it in

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gvKpKnKocU&feature=related

talking to myself

no one reads this so i might as well talk to myself and work some things out.
do it

things i need to work harder on

meditate meditate meditate
you are not crawling inside enough in a real way
you are half assing it
this is part of your problem
you are giving away too much of your energy

exercise  even if it just a walk - do it
go to the park as much as you can
it is a better workout
don't let cold stop you
you have a warm coat
you like doing this so it's not like work

stop ignoring things you like for you

 get back to your Mary project
you
your life
your goals
not about against Mark
it is just for you

you need  an income
at the very least something to get you out of the house

you are afraid of the world
admit it
you know about fear
stupid shit - stop it
read Ma Jaya's book as a refresher
Ma Jaya and Jackie are your examples of what kind of woman
 you could be - want to be
do it

get your shit together
get back to the art business shit
your fear again
you don't know how to get to the result you want?
so what?? one step -  then the next
don't worry about the finish line
you know what you have to do
get work done  - take pics -  talk to people
send in submissions etc
talk to galleries
you know what guru says,  take the fork in the road

 find space
get space
make space
find a way

you have unfinished projects
finish them
don't worry about selling them
 you aren't making anything off of undone work
 do the toad story book
do the dvd of your videos
get a show
make some prints of your photos

YOUR LIFE IS MORE AWESOME THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
GET WHAT YOU WANT  -- YOU HAVE WHAT YOU NEED

MORE ART SUCCESS
MORE TRAVEL
MORE LIVING SPACE

MORE ADVENTURES

THINGS I LEARNED BEING AN OLD MARRIED LADY

* IT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO BUT HOW YOU DO IT!

THAT WAS THE FIRST THING THAT MADE ME REALIZE I HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING BEING WITH ONE MAN SINCE NOVEMBER 1984.  DON'T ASK ME THE DAY. IT IS WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

OTHER THINGS ARE:

* THEY ARE PEOPLE FIRST.  YOU DO NOT OWN THEM. THEY ARE NOT  YOUR SPOUSE FIRST THEN A PERSON.   

* DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE A PERSON.  THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE. 

EVERYONE HAS A BAD SIDE.  EVERYONE SCREWS UP.  YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOVE BOTH SIDES BUT YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH BOTH SIDES.

* ARGUMENTS ARE NOT COMPETITIONS TO TRY TO WIN. 

                   THEY ARE TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE OTHER PERSON.  EVERYONE GETS   ANGRY AND YELLS. 

GET YOUR EGO OUT OF IT AND LISTEN.   NEVER EVER GO TO BED MAD.  YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE OKAY BUT IF THERE IS NOT AT LEAST AN UNDERSTANDING OF THE PROBLEM,  WORK IT OUT.

ACCEPT WHEN YOU MESS UP.  DON'T TRY TO PROTECT YOUR EGO. ADMIT IT.

IF THE OTHER PERSON IS WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING ABOUT YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE DONE GETTING IT OUT.

  NEVER EVER TRY TO CORRECT SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A RANT.  LET THEM HAVE THERE PEACE..THEN SAY YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT..... BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT...

DO NOT SAY...YOU ARE WRONG......
 IT SHOULD BE, MY ISSUES, YOUR ISSUES, OH I UNDERSTAND NOW WE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT A SOLUTION. 

IT IS NEVER ABOUT WINNING.  IF YOU CARE MORE ABOUT BEING RIGHT THAN BEING UNDERSTOOD YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A MISERABLE TIME OF IT.

*  YOU WILL HATE THEM AT TIMES.  IT WILL PASS IF YOU DON'T GET TOO FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT.    IF YOU HOLD ON TO BAD BAD IS WHAT YOU GET.

IF YOU DON'T ACT ON IT IT USUALLY PASSES.   IF YOU DO ALL OF THIS AND AFTER AWHILE IT DOESN'T GO AWAY WELL YOU HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS.

*  THIS ONE YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH.  THIS IS TRUE FOR US.                              SEX IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO GET A DIVORCE.  

IT IS DIFFERENT IF YOU  SETTING UP A COUPLING ON THE SIDE LIKE A GIRLFRIEND WHEN THE OTHER PERSON HAS EXPECTATIONS OF A FULL TIME DOMESTIC RELATIONSHIP.   THAT IS SOMETHING ELSE.

  AN AFFAIR THOUGH; SEX, IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO SPLIT.  YOUR EGO TELLS YOU THAT YOU SHOULD.  THIS IS PART OF THE UNDERSTANDING THAT THEY ARE PEOPLE FIRST.  THEY ARE NOT YOUR POSSESSION.  WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT?   THE CONTRACT THEY MADE OR THEIR HUMANITY?
    To clarify  this was not come by from experience but from thinking, what if it happened?   what is more important?   It wouldn't be fun, but life without each other would be worse. 

THINGS I LOVE

I AM GONNA DO A
                           "THINGS I LOVE"
       WHENEVER IT STRIKES ME
                                           HERE IS NUMBER ONE.

KARMA & COOKIES

                     THIS TURNED OUT BEAUTIFULLY!!

I've been slipping...but...

... I have not fallen.   It is more like when you are on ice and you are slipping,
wriggling, & weaving trying to not fall so you don't  break something.   That is what I've been doing, slipping but not falling.  You might pull your back but you didn't fall and crack your head open!


I need to remind myself what success means to me,  not other's definition.
I need to renew my focus on my goals.  I need to be more disciplined but easier and relaxed with myself.


I am having a terrible time losing weight.  The harder i try the more weight i gain.
but..but...I am off my BP meds and my good cholesterol is higher.  I am healthier!
I have been using "I hate hate hate being fat!" as a mantra.  That is probably the most destructive thing i could do.  I  am changing that and use "healthy" instead.  I need something short so when i go there i can snap back with something positive.


I guess to shorten this I could use this as an example for a lot of areas in my life.  I will spare you the list. I have been beating myself up for my lack of big  progress instead of hugging myself for making any  progress.  I am not a patient person and expect something better than baby steps from myself.


I  almost never give up. I might slow down to regroup though.  I can't remember what was going on but  I  always remember sitting there bawling my head off yelling, "i quit!  I cant do this anymore!   i quit!"  I am sure there was a lot of cursing too.   At the same time I was saying that I was working on whatever it was that was messing me up.  I can't even quit right!

I planted a garden at the community garden.  I was really tense about it for some reason.  I really don't know what I am doing but it is work I like to do.  I like working on something that is problem, solution, done.  With a garden it is plant, water, weed, deal with bugs and hopefully you get produce.  It can be hard work but not hard work.  It is not brain surgery.


I still have health issues giving me hurdles.  It might be a real thing I deal with but no excuse for not succeeding.


 I guess I will leave it here for now.  I will go find a picture to add to this and carry on.   I still have more happy times than not. I tend to dwell too much on problems and not enough on the bright Love around me.

ME WORDS

DO IT #1-ISH

I AM GOING TO TRY HARDER TO DO THINGS ON MY,  DO IT LIST.

ONE THING IS VISIT NEW YORK CITY.

THAT IS JUST GOING TO TAKE MONEY

THE ONE THING THAT WILL TAKE WORK AND A LOT OF MONEY. IS A TRIP TO EUROPE.

FIRST WE NEED PASSPORTS.  I GUESS THEY ARE AROUND $200 PLUS WHATEVER THE PHOTO COSTS.. TIMES 2 = MORE THAN WE CAN AFFORD.

SO EVERYTHING I WANT TO DO WILL TAKE MONEY.

SO FIRST I NEED TO  MAKE SOME MONEY

GET PASSPORTS AND GO FROM THERE.

I WILL DO THIS.  I HAVE NO IDEA HOW,

 BUT I HAVE TO.

 HEY I HAVE NOT POSTED ANYTHING IN AWHILE.  IT TOOK ME AWHILE TO DO THIS TODAY...BUT IT IS HERE NOW.. WARTS AND ALL!!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ?

 i have no idea when i wrote this..i found it saved but not put out there...so i thought I'd post it.  this isn't me right now though.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING HERE TODAY
I LIE

I AM BUSY BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE I AM CHEATING
DOING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
BUT I AM NOT BRINGING IN AN INCOME

I AM TRYING TO NOT FORCE THINGS AND LET THINGS PLAY OUT

I AM NOT BEING LAZY
AFTER 4 YEARS OF NO LIFE I HAVE A LOT OF CLUTTER
TO CLEAN OUT

LITERALLY AND NOT

I DIDN'T CHANGE THE COLOR
WHAT-EVER

 g..
HE TAUGHT ME ABOUT FEAR
I GUESS FEAR IS FEAR
BUT WHAT IS ON MY MIND IS PHOBIC KIND OF FEAR
I'VE BEEN OVER PROTECTED KIND OF FEAR
I WON'T LET IT STOP ME BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY

NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW SHELTERED AND OVER PROTECTED I AM

I HAVE THINGS I WANT TO DO LIKE GO TO NYC THAT SCARES ME
IT IS NOT THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN TO ME
IT IS THAT I'LL GET IN A SITUATION..LOST..W/O MONEY
ANYTHING I CAN'T HANDLE OR KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF

THIS IS WAY TOO GABBY AND ICKY
BARFOLA..LATER..

Flowers