Friday, August 17, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
I've been slipping...but...
... I have not fallen. It is more like when you are on ice and you are slipping,
wriggling, & weaving trying to not fall so you don't break something. That is what I've been doing, slipping but not falling. You might pull your back but you didn't fall and crack your head open!
I need to remind myself what success means to me, not other's definition.
I need to renew my focus on my goals. I need to be more disciplined but easier and relaxed with myself.
I am having a terrible time losing weight. The harder i try the more weight i gain.
but..but...I am off my BP meds and my good cholesterol is higher. I am healthier!
I have been using "I hate hate hate being fat!" as a mantra. That is probably the most destructive thing i could do. I am changing that and use "healthy" instead. I need something short so when i go there i can snap back with something positive.
I guess to shorten this I could use this as an example for a lot of areas in my life. I will spare you the list. I have been beating myself up for my lack of big progress instead of hugging myself for making any progress. I am not a patient person and expect something better than baby steps from myself.
I almost never give up. I might slow down to regroup though. I can't remember what was going on but I always remember sitting there bawling my head off yelling, "i quit! I cant do this anymore! i quit!" I am sure there was a lot of cursing too. At the same time I was saying that I was working on whatever it was that was messing me up. I can't even quit right!
I planted a garden at the community garden. I was really tense about it for some reason. I really don't know what I am doing but it is work I like to do. I like working on something that is problem, solution, done. With a garden it is plant, water, weed, deal with bugs and hopefully you get produce. It can be hard work but not hard work. It is not brain surgery.
I still have health issues giving me hurdles. It might be a real thing I deal with but no excuse for not succeeding.
I guess I will leave it here for now. I will go find a picture to add to this and carry on. I still have more happy times than not. I tend to dwell too much on problems and not enough on the bright Love around me.
wriggling, & weaving trying to not fall so you don't break something. That is what I've been doing, slipping but not falling. You might pull your back but you didn't fall and crack your head open!
I need to remind myself what success means to me, not other's definition.
I need to renew my focus on my goals. I need to be more disciplined but easier and relaxed with myself.
I am having a terrible time losing weight. The harder i try the more weight i gain.
but..but...I am off my BP meds and my good cholesterol is higher. I am healthier!
I have been using "I hate hate hate being fat!" as a mantra. That is probably the most destructive thing i could do. I am changing that and use "healthy" instead. I need something short so when i go there i can snap back with something positive.
I guess to shorten this I could use this as an example for a lot of areas in my life. I will spare you the list. I have been beating myself up for my lack of big progress instead of hugging myself for making any progress. I am not a patient person and expect something better than baby steps from myself.
I almost never give up. I might slow down to regroup though. I can't remember what was going on but I always remember sitting there bawling my head off yelling, "i quit! I cant do this anymore! i quit!" I am sure there was a lot of cursing too. At the same time I was saying that I was working on whatever it was that was messing me up. I can't even quit right!
I planted a garden at the community garden. I was really tense about it for some reason. I really don't know what I am doing but it is work I like to do. I like working on something that is problem, solution, done. With a garden it is plant, water, weed, deal with bugs and hopefully you get produce. It can be hard work but not hard work. It is not brain surgery.
I still have health issues giving me hurdles. It might be a real thing I deal with but no excuse for not succeeding.
I guess I will leave it here for now. I will go find a picture to add to this and carry on. I still have more happy times than not. I tend to dwell too much on problems and not enough on the bright Love around me.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
DO IT #1-ISH
I AM GOING TO TRY HARDER TO DO THINGS ON MY, DO IT LIST.
ONE THING IS VISIT NEW YORK CITY.
THAT IS JUST GOING TO TAKE MONEY
THE ONE THING THAT WILL TAKE WORK AND A LOT OF MONEY. IS A TRIP TO EUROPE.
FIRST WE NEED PASSPORTS. I GUESS THEY ARE AROUND $200 PLUS WHATEVER THE PHOTO COSTS.. TIMES 2 = MORE THAN WE CAN AFFORD.
SO EVERYTHING I WANT TO DO WILL TAKE MONEY.
SO FIRST I NEED TO MAKE SOME MONEY
GET PASSPORTS AND GO FROM THERE.
I WILL DO THIS. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW,
BUT I HAVE TO.
Monday, May 14, 2012
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ?
i have no idea when i wrote this..i found it saved but not put out there...so i thought I'd post it. this isn't me right now though.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING HERE TODAY
I LIE
I AM BUSY BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE I AM CHEATING
DOING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
BUT I AM NOT BRINGING IN AN INCOME
I AM TRYING TO NOT FORCE THINGS AND LET THINGS PLAY OUT
I AM NOT BEING LAZY
AFTER 4 YEARS OF NO LIFE I HAVE A LOT OF CLUTTER
TO CLEAN OUT
LITERALLY AND NOT
I DIDN'T CHANGE THE COLOR
WHAT-EVER
g..
HE TAUGHT ME ABOUT FEAR
I GUESS FEAR IS FEAR
BUT WHAT IS ON MY MIND IS PHOBIC KIND OF FEAR
I'VE BEEN OVER PROTECTED KIND OF FEAR
I WON'T LET IT STOP ME BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY
NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW SHELTERED AND OVER PROTECTED I AM
I HAVE THINGS I WANT TO DO LIKE GO TO NYC THAT SCARES ME
IT IS NOT THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN TO ME
IT IS THAT I'LL GET IN A SITUATION..LOST..W/O MONEY
ANYTHING I CAN'T HANDLE OR KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF
THIS IS WAY TOO GABBY AND ICKY
BARFOLA..LATER..
Thursday, April 19, 2012
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