SOME LOVE TO MARK

THIS IS WHO I USED TO BE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9sRFrNodgM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJgeQUxP5Is

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUW07Kvmpn8

LAST NIGHT I WENT TO BED WITH MARK BECAUSE HE WAS TIRED.  I WASN'T.  I LAID THERE FOR AWHILE AND CONSIDERED GETTING UP AND SLEEPING ON THE SOFA.

WHICH REMINDED ME OF THE YEARS,YEARS I COULD NOT SLEEP IN THE BED.   NOW IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING SERIOUS TO TAKE ME OUT OF OUR BED.

IT GOT ME THINKING ABOUT HIM .  IT IS NOT THAT I NEVER DID THINK ABOUT WHAT HE WENT THROUGH.  I JUST SEE MORE OF THE BEFORE AND AFTER AND I FEEL FOR HIM.   HOW MUST HE HAVE FELT.  HE WAS THERE EVERY NIGHT WITHOUT ME. HE HEARD ME SICK  EVERY NIGHT.  HE COULD DO NOTHING.  HE HAD TO LAY THERE AND WONDER IF HE WAS GOING TO LOSE ME.   EVEN NOW WHEN I STRUGGLE HE WORRIES.  HE SPENT NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AFTER NIGHT WITHOUT ME NEXT TO HIM AND ALONE.

SOME OF OUR BEST TIMES ARE AT NIGHT.  LOTS OF TIMES WE SHOULD BE SLEEPING BUT WE ARE LAUGHING AND JOKING.  IT IS SOMETHING I REALLY CHERISH.  OUR MR AND MRS FUN.

WE DID NOT HAVE THAT.   HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS WIFE EITHER.

I WAS BARELY FUNCTIONING FOR YEARS. I TRIED TO NOT THINK OF IT.  I WAS SO SICK I WAS JUST ON AUTO PILOT. 

THAT WAS HARD ON US BOTH.  WHEN THE WORST WAS OVER I WILL ADMIT I HAD A HARD TIME BEING HIS WIFE AGAIN. I DIDN'T KNOW WHO I WAS.  HE ALMOST LOST ME THEN TOO.   I NEVER LOST HIM. 

HE NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS,  NOT IF BUT WHEN,  LIKE I DID.

 I SURVIVED AND IT IS MOSTLY BEHIND ME.  I WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY BRAIN TUMOR AND WILL HAVE TO WATCH IT.  IT CAN ALWAYS START GROWING AGAIN.  I AM NO LONGER FIGHTING FOR MY  LIFE.   WE ARE US AGAIN. WE ARE HAPPIER THAN WE HAVE EVEN BEEN.  HE HAS HIS WIFE BACK.  I HAVE ME BACK.  I NO LONGER HAVE ONE FOOT OUT OF THE DOOR.  I KNOW I AM TOO HONEST. WE ALL GO THROUGH THINGS.  EVERY BAD THING IS SOMETHING TOO LEARN FROM.  THE ONLY TRAGEDY ABOUT THE AWFUL THINGS IN LIFE IS IF YOU DON'T LEARN, BUILD, AND USE IT FOR STRENGTH.

I WILL GET TO MY POINT.  I WANT EVERYONE TO SEND MARK SOME LOVE.  I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE OR IF YOU KNOW HIM OR NOT.  TELL HIM GOOD JOB.  TELL HIM HE IS WONDERFUL.  TELL HIM I APPRECIATE HIM NEVER LEAVING MY SIDE NO MATTER HOW MEAN OR UGLY OR HURTFUL.  HE NEVER LEFT.

SO PLEASE PLEASE..GIVE HIM SOME LOVE.  HE DESERVES IT.  WE ALL DESERVE IT.  NONE OF US KNOWS IF WE HAVE THE NEXT MOMENT.  SO I WANT TO MAKE ALL OF MY RIGHT NOWS COUNT.   SPREAD THE LOVE!

HAPPY :-D EVERYDAY!!

sorry out of sync..

stepping stones

we don't have money to travel

but we can get a passport for when the day comes

we can't even afford a passport right now

i am making  steps forward..

 we don't have the money right now but we will

QUICK

short term

life is life so be it..  dig it and dance

so to get what i want in the big picture i need to tend to small pictures

i need to get healthier

i have come a long long way

but i am obese

i need to find a way to lose weight

i can't seem to lose any after my hysterectomy

in hind sight i wish i would have taken g's advice and taken the alternative route and kept my parts

but i was suffering and didn't have the strength for that

but i wish i would have tried

but too late..that ship sailed 

on spilled milk a long time ago!

combining  silly phrases!!

i need to be more strict on how i eat.  cutting out grains has really helped me feel much better.  but i need to try harder to  keep out the sugar and carbs.  the biggest thing is increasing what i eat.  i need more veggies. i need to not use lack of funds and winter as an excuse.  the SFW takes effect.. so what fresh veggies are harder to find.. buy smaller amounts..get a few kinds make a veggie soup or stew or even a pickled salad.  i don't really eat that much sugar.  it is not so much what i eat but what i am not eating.

and exercise.  recently i am just moving whenever and however i can.  i am not stressing over..well i only did 10 minutes.. and i am not letting no space stop me.  I'll run in place, i even do jumping jacks..kind of .  my right shoulder won't go that high.  i even dance and do the twist. whatever i do i will do it fast then slow then fast again.. get my breathing going and my heart rate up.

next is getting rid of the clutter and mess...this is a bigger problem than me but g says i have everything i need so i guess it is just another part of me i haven't tapped yet.

so i will tap it.

saying something

http://www.kashi.org/teaching/karmic-spaces/
 g told me to get this book.  it came on Dec. 30th.
i have only read about a dozen or so pages and it is great so far.
it is a part of my journey.
i keep repeating old bad habits and painful patterns.
one day i hope to be free from all of the habitual pains i let happen

one in particular.



we had a great new year's eve.
i smiled the whole night and i didn't drink
i feel strong and determined

i don't have much to say right now
i have things i don't wish to express

i am making baby steps now forward to
the things i want

it is not a list like go to the store
balance the check book
some of it is like
visit New York city

another part of it to live
to breath and live in joy
to make up for the years i lived in pain
because i thought i was safer there

monday monday monday...

i had  a Great Christmas with Mark.  sure gifts would have been nice but i do the checkbook.
there is no room for all that we need, let alone extras.  i do admit we do allow ourselves small indulgences.
 example, today we went to a local grocery and got a box of
chocolate from a local company.  it was a little pricey but it is good chocolate so costs more, and half off.
i spent $2 on my favorite panda licorice..
and for my birthday i got  a small bottle of good bourbon..sipping whiskey.

i am going to ramp up my efforts on weight loss.  i was doing very well until my ghastly hysterectomy.
part of me regrets it now.  sure i was bleeding like a stuck pig but... my hair is frizzy and i have gained weight.    i hate being fat..and i am ..i just do not think i am a lesser person or ugly... i just hate it..besides..i don't want to die early.  i remember at the time Arlo told me there were alternatives to surgery but i knew that would take time and i was suffering.


well speaking of Arlo.  sometime around 2006 he said he was my guru.  i am really shortening this story.   i was a mess and had one foot in the grave.  he saved my life.  anyway about a year ago i noticed things had changed.  mostly it came from me.  i felt..i am not sure how to explain this..i didn't have anxiety and pain.
i was living from my heart.  the things he taught me was sinking in.   it is not so much as i am done learning as much as..the hard work is behind me.. so now  living it

so he is not my GURU anymore but i guess more like guru...
i have graduated.    he wrote me the most beautiful  loving email. i only shared it with Mark and my BFF..

speaking of my best friend...i am blessed to have such a good guy in my life
he gave me a gift card for an arts store and said.. "so you can keep on creating".. what a wonderful man.

so i am going to find a way to take my weight off again. i did it once. i can do it twice.
i won't do anything i won't do all of the time.  right now i am going to do as much as i can and not worry
about what i SHOULD be doing.