sshhh i digress

i just played someone's link to an 80's song i didn't know.

i know this is a huge huge sin spiritually but i really really really really 
wish i could turn the clock back to 20 and know what i now know and do it over.

i know that's  not real.   i don't visit this stupidity often

i am having a much bigger problem turning 51; in about 6 weeks, then i did turning 50.  i loved turning 50.
i hate turning 51.

censoring negative thoughts here.

i can't even talk about the hole in me

i put it there

i am having trouble filling it in

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gvKpKnKocU&feature=related

talking to myself

no one reads this so i might as well talk to myself and work some things out.
do it

things i need to work harder on

meditate meditate meditate
you are not crawling inside enough in a real way
you are half assing it
this is part of your problem
you are giving away too much of your energy

exercise  even if it just a walk - do it
go to the park as much as you can
it is a better workout
don't let cold stop you
you have a warm coat
you like doing this so it's not like work

stop ignoring things you like for you

 get back to your Mary project
you
your life
your goals
not about against Mark
it is just for you

you need  an income
at the very least something to get you out of the house

you are afraid of the world
admit it
you know about fear
stupid shit - stop it
read Ma Jaya's book as a refresher
Ma Jaya and Jackie are your examples of what kind of woman
 you could be - want to be
do it

get your shit together
get back to the art business shit
your fear again
you don't know how to get to the result you want?
so what?? one step -  then the next
don't worry about the finish line
you know what you have to do
get work done  - take pics -  talk to people
send in submissions etc
talk to galleries
you know what guru says,  take the fork in the road

 find space
get space
make space
find a way

you have unfinished projects
finish them
don't worry about selling them
 you aren't making anything off of undone work
 do the toad story book
do the dvd of your videos
get a show
make some prints of your photos

YOUR LIFE IS MORE AWESOME THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
GET WHAT YOU WANT  -- YOU HAVE WHAT YOU NEED

MORE ART SUCCESS
MORE TRAVEL
MORE LIVING SPACE

MORE ADVENTURES

THINGS I LEARNED BEING AN OLD MARRIED LADY

* IT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO BUT HOW YOU DO IT!

THAT WAS THE FIRST THING THAT MADE ME REALIZE I HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING BEING WITH ONE MAN SINCE NOVEMBER 1984.  DON'T ASK ME THE DAY. IT IS WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

OTHER THINGS ARE:

* THEY ARE PEOPLE FIRST.  YOU DO NOT OWN THEM. THEY ARE NOT  YOUR SPOUSE FIRST THEN A PERSON.   

* DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE A PERSON.  THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE. 

EVERYONE HAS A BAD SIDE.  EVERYONE SCREWS UP.  YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOVE BOTH SIDES BUT YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH BOTH SIDES.

* ARGUMENTS ARE NOT COMPETITIONS TO TRY TO WIN. 

                   THEY ARE TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE OTHER PERSON.  EVERYONE GETS   ANGRY AND YELLS. 

GET YOUR EGO OUT OF IT AND LISTEN.   NEVER EVER GO TO BED MAD.  YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE OKAY BUT IF THERE IS NOT AT LEAST AN UNDERSTANDING OF THE PROBLEM,  WORK IT OUT.

ACCEPT WHEN YOU MESS UP.  DON'T TRY TO PROTECT YOUR EGO. ADMIT IT.

IF THE OTHER PERSON IS WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING ABOUT YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE DONE GETTING IT OUT.

  NEVER EVER TRY TO CORRECT SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A RANT.  LET THEM HAVE THERE PEACE..THEN SAY YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT..... BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT...

DO NOT SAY...YOU ARE WRONG......
 IT SHOULD BE, MY ISSUES, YOUR ISSUES, OH I UNDERSTAND NOW WE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT A SOLUTION. 

IT IS NEVER ABOUT WINNING.  IF YOU CARE MORE ABOUT BEING RIGHT THAN BEING UNDERSTOOD YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A MISERABLE TIME OF IT.

*  YOU WILL HATE THEM AT TIMES.  IT WILL PASS IF YOU DON'T GET TOO FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT.    IF YOU HOLD ON TO BAD BAD IS WHAT YOU GET.

IF YOU DON'T ACT ON IT IT USUALLY PASSES.   IF YOU DO ALL OF THIS AND AFTER AWHILE IT DOESN'T GO AWAY WELL YOU HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS.

*  THIS ONE YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH.  THIS IS TRUE FOR US.                              SEX IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO GET A DIVORCE.  

IT IS DIFFERENT IF YOU  SETTING UP A COUPLING ON THE SIDE LIKE A GIRLFRIEND WHEN THE OTHER PERSON HAS EXPECTATIONS OF A FULL TIME DOMESTIC RELATIONSHIP.   THAT IS SOMETHING ELSE.

  AN AFFAIR THOUGH; SEX, IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO SPLIT.  YOUR EGO TELLS YOU THAT YOU SHOULD.  THIS IS PART OF THE UNDERSTANDING THAT THEY ARE PEOPLE FIRST.  THEY ARE NOT YOUR POSSESSION.  WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT?   THE CONTRACT THEY MADE OR THEIR HUMANITY?
    To clarify  this was not come by from experience but from thinking, what if it happened?   what is more important?   It wouldn't be fun, but life without each other would be worse. 

THINGS I LOVE

I AM GONNA DO A
                           "THINGS I LOVE"
       WHENEVER IT STRIKES ME
                                           HERE IS NUMBER ONE.

KARMA & COOKIES

                     THIS TURNED OUT BEAUTIFULLY!!

I've been slipping...but...

... I have not fallen.   It is more like when you are on ice and you are slipping,
wriggling, & weaving trying to not fall so you don't  break something.   That is what I've been doing, slipping but not falling.  You might pull your back but you didn't fall and crack your head open!


I need to remind myself what success means to me,  not other's definition.
I need to renew my focus on my goals.  I need to be more disciplined but easier and relaxed with myself.


I am having a terrible time losing weight.  The harder i try the more weight i gain.
but..but...I am off my BP meds and my good cholesterol is higher.  I am healthier!
I have been using "I hate hate hate being fat!" as a mantra.  That is probably the most destructive thing i could do.  I  am changing that and use "healthy" instead.  I need something short so when i go there i can snap back with something positive.


I guess to shorten this I could use this as an example for a lot of areas in my life.  I will spare you the list. I have been beating myself up for my lack of big  progress instead of hugging myself for making any  progress.  I am not a patient person and expect something better than baby steps from myself.


I  almost never give up. I might slow down to regroup though.  I can't remember what was going on but  I  always remember sitting there bawling my head off yelling, "i quit!  I cant do this anymore!   i quit!"  I am sure there was a lot of cursing too.   At the same time I was saying that I was working on whatever it was that was messing me up.  I can't even quit right!

I planted a garden at the community garden.  I was really tense about it for some reason.  I really don't know what I am doing but it is work I like to do.  I like working on something that is problem, solution, done.  With a garden it is plant, water, weed, deal with bugs and hopefully you get produce.  It can be hard work but not hard work.  It is not brain surgery.


I still have health issues giving me hurdles.  It might be a real thing I deal with but no excuse for not succeeding.


 I guess I will leave it here for now.  I will go find a picture to add to this and carry on.   I still have more happy times than not. I tend to dwell too much on problems and not enough on the bright Love around me.