I was thinking about how great my year 50 was and how great my year 52, is not.
I also know that I make my own reality. It could be nifty 52 if I wanted it to be.
My rose colored idealism has been knocked off of my face.
- I am still having many sick days.
- I still have to struggle just to do the basics.
- I am still not where I want to be with my art.
- I still do not have a "normal" life.
I guess this is my clue to buck up and do what my guru taught me.
I forget exactly what he said but it is hard to hate your life when you count things you are grateful for, living things, Not your big screen TV!
- Mark would be first, duh!
- Love - I get so much love from so many.
- Life of all kinds.
- Flowers. I love flowers! I would love to grow things like horsetail.
- The birds living outside of my window.
I have noticed that I fill in my empty time with darkness. I could fill it with light.
I realized this week that somewhere along the line I got the idea that if
I loved myself, said positive things about myself, was proud of myself, that it was a bad thing.
That it is was egotistical and arrogant. It is also easier to beat myself up. If I don't do these things I do not have a problem. I am great. I can be happy. I do not have to listen to my fear and ego dragging me down.
~~~~ That last paragraph is where I left off last night. I rewrote it a little. It looked like I was very tired and not aware of what I was doing.
The one thing that has been missing now; from my year 50, is optimism, hope, and excitement over getting a new life filled with things I have always wanted but never worked for. I have to tell you that Mark is not letting me give up. The biggest reason I do not have what I want is because I give up on myself. He is my biggest cheerleader.
Hopefully I will get excitement back. I try and things don't go as well as I had hoped. Since I am not feeling well I get disillusioned easily.
When I thought I lost this last night I was very upset. Instantly I knew that It was a lesson. There are some big changes coming. I am not afraid of change. I am just fed up with rough roads and being tested. It is spring. I am getting ready for my garden.
I may not get to New York this year and I might not ever get to Europe. There are other things I would like to do. Those are the two big ones but if they never get done it is not a tragedy.
When I started writing this I was going to say how I lost my nifty 50. The truth is that 'nothing worthwhile is easy' ! I just forgot that. I let being sick and having some struggles cloud my heart. As long as there is a moon in the sky I will be happy and love!
