Reality ~ NIFTY IS A FIGHT Redux

I THOUGHT I LOST THIS LAST NIGHT BUT IT WAS SAVED.  I IMMEDIATELY KNEW I LEARNED SOMETHING.  THIS IS WHAT I WROTE.~~~

I was thinking about how great my year 50 was and how great my year 52, is not.
I also know that I make my own reality.  It could be nifty 52 if I wanted it to be.
My rose colored idealism has been knocked off of my face.

• I am still having many sick days.
• I still have to struggle just to do the basics.
• I am still not where I want to be with my art.
• I still do not have a "normal"  life.

I actually never had  one but when you are counting the bad and not being grateful for the good that is what you will get!

I guess this is my clue to buck up and do what my guru taught me.
I forget exactly what he said but it is hard to hate your life when you count things you are grateful for,  living things,  Not your big screen TV!

• Mark would be first,  duh!
• Love - I get so much love from so many.
• Life of all kinds.
• Flowers.  I love flowers!  I would love to grow things like horsetail.
• The birds living outside of my window.

I have noticed that I fill in my empty time with darkness.  I could fill it with light.
I realized this week that somewhere along the line I got the idea that if
I loved myself,  said positive things about myself,  was proud of myself,  that it was a bad thing.
That it is was  egotistical and arrogant.   It is also easier to beat myself up.  If I don't do these things I do not have a problem.  I am great.  I can be happy.  I do not have to listen to my fear and ego dragging me down.

~~~~   That last paragraph is where I left off last night.  I rewrote it a little.  It looked like I was very tired and not aware of what I was doing.
The one thing that has been missing now; from my year 50, is  optimism,  hope, and excitement over getting a new life filled with things I have always wanted but never worked for.  I have to tell you that Mark is not letting me give up.  The biggest reason I  do not have what I want is because I give up on myself. He is my biggest cheerleader. 
Hopefully I will get  excitement back.    I try and things don't go as well as I had hoped.  Since I am not feeling well I get disillusioned easily.  
When I thought I lost this last night I was very upset.  Instantly I knew that It was a lesson. There are some big changes coming.  I am not afraid of change.  I am just fed up with rough roads and being tested.  It is spring.  I am getting ready for my garden.
I may not get to New York  this year  and I might not ever get to Europe.  There are other things I would like to do.  Those are the two big ones but if they never get done it is not a tragedy.
When I started writing this I was going to say how I lost my nifty 50.  The truth is that  'nothing worthwhile is easy' !  I just forgot that.  I let being sick and having some struggles cloud my heart.   As long as there is a moon in the sky I will be happy and love!