monday monday monday...

i had  a Great Christmas with Mark.  sure gifts would have been nice but i do the checkbook.
there is no room for all that we need, let alone extras.  i do admit we do allow ourselves small indulgences.
 example, today we went to a local grocery and got a box of
chocolate from a local company.  it was a little pricey but it is good chocolate so costs more, and half off.
i spent $2 on my favorite panda licorice..
and for my birthday i got  a small bottle of good bourbon..sipping whiskey.

i am going to ramp up my efforts on weight loss.  i was doing very well until my ghastly hysterectomy.
part of me regrets it now.  sure i was bleeding like a stuck pig but... my hair is frizzy and i have gained weight.    i hate being fat..and i am ..i just do not think i am a lesser person or ugly... i just hate it..besides..i don't want to die early.  i remember at the time Arlo told me there were alternatives to surgery but i knew that would take time and i was suffering.


well speaking of Arlo.  sometime around 2006 he said he was my guru.  i am really shortening this story.   i was a mess and had one foot in the grave.  he saved my life.  anyway about a year ago i noticed things had changed.  mostly it came from me.  i felt..i am not sure how to explain this..i didn't have anxiety and pain.
i was living from my heart.  the things he taught me was sinking in.   it is not so much as i am done learning as much as..the hard work is behind me.. so now  living it

so he is not my GURU anymore but i guess more like guru...
i have graduated.    he wrote me the most beautiful  loving email. i only shared it with Mark and my BFF..

speaking of my best friend...i am blessed to have such a good guy in my life
he gave me a gift card for an arts store and said.. "so you can keep on creating".. what a wonderful man.

so i am going to find a way to take my weight off again. i did it once. i can do it twice.
i won't do anything i won't do all of the time.  right now i am going to do as much as i can and not worry
about what i SHOULD be doing.

my b-day video party

 WELL WELLY WELL!!
LAST NIGHT WAS  AWESOME
I GOT TO SHOW MY WORK  TO SPECIAL PEOPLE.
I ONLY HAVE A FEW PICS HERE AND NOT OF EVERYONE. SORRY ABOUT THAT.
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE NIGHT I WAS GETTING UPSET
NO ONE WAS SHOWING UP
THEN BANG.. PEOPLE.


GRATITIUDE ABOUT A FEW PEOPLE
ARNIE IS A TRUE FRIEND.  HE IS THE KIND OF GUY WHO IS MATTER OF FACT THERE FOR YOU.  SOLID.  I REALLY LOVE THE GUY AND APPRECIATE HIS FRIENDSHIP.

JIM..MY BEST FRIEND NEXT TO MARK IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD...I WOULD TAKE A BULLET  FOR HIM W/O EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.  I INTRODUCED HIM AS MY OTHER HUSBAND.  LIKE MARK I COULD NOT GET BY W/O HIM..WELL OBVIOUSLY I COULD BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  IT WOULD BE MUCH EMPTIER WORLD.

AND MY BROTHER ROB. HE IS NOT MY BIRTH BROTHER. ..WE ARE SOUL KIN. HE IS MY SOUL BROTHER. I LOVE HIM MEGA BIG. HE DROVE DOWN FROM MICHIGAN FOR ME. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
..MARK WAS PRICELESS...I WAS FEELING RUN DOWN AND HE TOOK UP THE SLACK. I LOVE HIM HUGE..

THANKS TO JEFF INGRAM FROM THE STANDING ROCK GALLERY FOR LETTING ME USE HIS SPACE..IF YOU EVER WANT TO DONATE PLEASE DO.  HE DOES AN AMAZING JOB MAKING KENT A COMMUNITY.  http://www.standingrock.net/   

OKAY BRASS TACKS..WHAT I WANT
MORE SPACE & MONEY
MONEY IS A MEANS TO AN ENDS..
I WANT TO TRAVEL

I WANT TO PRODUCE BETTER QUALITY WORK
AN UPGRADE WILL TAKE MONEY AND SPACE

..PAUSE... I AM CRYING...I AM GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF THE LOVE IN MY LIFE
IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY BUT
I HAD TO GET GLOMMY TO FIND OUT HOW SPECIAL LIFE IS

I HAD TO HIT A ROUGH SPOT IN MY MARRIAGE TO REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOVE MARK
WE WERE FRIENDS AND ALL OF A SUDDEN WERE A COUPLE
IT JUST HAPPENED  THAT WAS NOV. 1984 WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER EVER SINCE
LIKE A LOT OF AMAZING WONDERFUL THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME
THEY JUST HAPPENED.  I NEVER ASKED FOR THEM BUT I WAS OPEN.
IF YOU WANT GLORIOUS SURPRISES YOU CAN'T THINK..NOT... YOU THINK..OKAY...
WITH ALL OF THESE..I WAS STUNNED BUT SAID..OKAY... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS REAL BUT  I GUESS IT IS REAL...
MARK, ARLO, HAL, ..JUST OFF THE TOP..
WITH MARK I THINK I TOOK  US FOR GRANTED..NOT HIM..I ALWAYS NEW HIS QUALITY
I THINK I HAD TO FIND OUT I COULD LOSE US

SO WHAT I AM SAYING "YOU GOTTA' HAVE DARK TO STICK THE LIGHT IN!" ADG

I DON'T REGRET THE TOUGH PAINFUL CRAPPY SHIT
BECAUSE W/O IT I  WOULDN'T HAVE THE HAPPINESS I HAVE NOW AND  THAT I NEVER KNEW EXISTED.  THE MORE YOU OPEN UP.  THE MORE IT GROWS. WHEN YOUR HEART IS FILLED WITH LOVE IT GOES OUT AND YOU GET IT BACK TENFOLD. YOU DON'T ASK FOR IT. YOU DON'T EXPECT IT. IT JUST HAPPENS, LIKE SUNSHINE.

THAT'S ENOUGH FOR TODAY.   I AM NOT GOING TO WRITE EVERYDAY. TOMORROW MARK IS OFF SO I WILL BE HAVING BLOOD TAKEN TO SEE IF I AM A MATCH FOR MY SISTER. SHE HAS LYMPHOMA AND NEEDS A  BONE MARROW TRANSPLANT. I HOPE I AM A MATCH.
OTHER THAN THAT..WE NEED TO FINISH OUR CHRISTMAS CARDS AND GET THOSE OUT..
... AND JUST ENJOY BEING MR AND MRS FUN...

50 + 2

 this is the raw me.. age in my eyes and all.
MY FIRST 50 YEARS WAS GETTING WHAT I NEED. THE NEXT 50 WILL BE GETTING WHAT I WANT.

so this is my journey on getting those things.

today i am having my video birthday party. jim and rob and more are coming. i will talk about whatever happens later.

right now i have to hurry up. it is almost time for Hal Sparks' radio/ustream.  i still have stuff to get ready for my party.

i am doing this because i have a way of losing my focus and putting myself last.

so this way i will stay focused and centered.  i am excited about this last leg of my journey. i want to make the best of it before i move on to my next reality...tick tick tick..hahahahaha..<3