I WISH THIS FKNG BRAIN TUMOR WOULD JUST KILL ME AND GE TIT OVER WITH DAMMIT..ENOUGH I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

 I WISH THIS FKNG BRAIN TUMOR WOULD JUST KILL ME AND GE TIT OVER WITH DAMMIT..ENOUGH I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

sshhh i digress

i just played someone's link to an 80's song i didn't know.

i know this is a huge huge sin spiritually but i really really really really 
wish i could turn the clock back to 20 and know what i now know and do it over.

i know that's  not real.   i don't visit this stupidity often

i am having a much bigger problem turning 51; in about 6 weeks, then i did turning 50.  i loved turning 50.
i hate turning 51.

censoring negative thoughts here.

i can't even talk about the hole in me

i put it there

i am having trouble filling it in

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gvKpKnKocU&feature=related

talking to myself

no one reads this so i might as well talk to myself and work some things out.
do it

things i need to work harder on

meditate meditate meditate
you are not crawling inside enough in a real way
you are half assing it
this is part of your problem
you are giving away too much of your energy

exercise  even if it just a walk - do it
go to the park as much as you can
it is a better workout
don't let cold stop you
you have a warm coat
you like doing this so it's not like work

stop ignoring things you like for you

 get back to your Mary project
you
your life
your goals
not about against Mark
it is just for you

you need  an income
at the very least something to get you out of the house

you are afraid of the world
admit it
you know about fear
stupid shit - stop it
read Ma Jaya's book as a refresher
Ma Jaya and Jackie are your examples of what kind of woman
 you could be - want to be
do it

get your shit together
get back to the art business shit
your fear again
you don't know how to get to the result you want?
so what?? one step -  then the next
don't worry about the finish line
you know what you have to do
get work done  - take pics -  talk to people
send in submissions etc
talk to galleries
you know what guru says,  take the fork in the road

 find space
get space
make space
find a way

you have unfinished projects
finish them
don't worry about selling them
 you aren't making anything off of undone work
 do the toad story book
do the dvd of your videos
get a show
make some prints of your photos

YOUR LIFE IS MORE AWESOME THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE
GET WHAT YOU WANT  -- YOU HAVE WHAT YOU NEED

MORE ART SUCCESS
MORE TRAVEL
MORE LIVING SPACE

MORE ADVENTURES

THINGS I LEARNED BEING AN OLD MARRIED LADY

* IT IS NOT WHAT YOU DO BUT HOW YOU DO IT!

THAT WAS THE FIRST THING THAT MADE ME REALIZE I HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING BEING WITH ONE MAN SINCE NOVEMBER 1984.  DON'T ASK ME THE DAY. IT IS WRITTEN DOWN SOMEWHERE BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

OTHER THINGS ARE:

* THEY ARE PEOPLE FIRST.  YOU DO NOT OWN THEM. THEY ARE NOT  YOUR SPOUSE FIRST THEN A PERSON.   

* DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE A PERSON.  THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE. 

EVERYONE HAS A BAD SIDE.  EVERYONE SCREWS UP.  YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOVE BOTH SIDES BUT YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH BOTH SIDES.

* ARGUMENTS ARE NOT COMPETITIONS TO TRY TO WIN. 

                   THEY ARE TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE OTHER PERSON.  EVERYONE GETS   ANGRY AND YELLS. 

GET YOUR EGO OUT OF IT AND LISTEN.   NEVER EVER GO TO BED MAD.  YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE OKAY BUT IF THERE IS NOT AT LEAST AN UNDERSTANDING OF THE PROBLEM,  WORK IT OUT.

ACCEPT WHEN YOU MESS UP.  DON'T TRY TO PROTECT YOUR EGO. ADMIT IT.

IF THE OTHER PERSON IS WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING ABOUT YOU WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE DONE GETTING IT OUT.

  NEVER EVER TRY TO CORRECT SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A RANT.  LET THEM HAVE THERE PEACE..THEN SAY YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT..... BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT...

DO NOT SAY...YOU ARE WRONG......
 IT SHOULD BE, MY ISSUES, YOUR ISSUES, OH I UNDERSTAND NOW WE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT A SOLUTION. 

IT IS NEVER ABOUT WINNING.  IF YOU CARE MORE ABOUT BEING RIGHT THAN BEING UNDERSTOOD YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A MISERABLE TIME OF IT.

*  YOU WILL HATE THEM AT TIMES.  IT WILL PASS IF YOU DON'T GET TOO FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT.    IF YOU HOLD ON TO BAD BAD IS WHAT YOU GET.

IF YOU DON'T ACT ON IT IT USUALLY PASSES.   IF YOU DO ALL OF THIS AND AFTER AWHILE IT DOESN'T GO AWAY WELL YOU HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS.

*  THIS ONE YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AGREE WITH.  THIS IS TRUE FOR US.                              SEX IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO GET A DIVORCE.  

IT IS DIFFERENT IF YOU  SETTING UP A COUPLING ON THE SIDE LIKE A GIRLFRIEND WHEN THE OTHER PERSON HAS EXPECTATIONS OF A FULL TIME DOMESTIC RELATIONSHIP.   THAT IS SOMETHING ELSE.

  AN AFFAIR THOUGH; SEX, IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO SPLIT.  YOUR EGO TELLS YOU THAT YOU SHOULD.  THIS IS PART OF THE UNDERSTANDING THAT THEY ARE PEOPLE FIRST.  THEY ARE NOT YOUR POSSESSION.  WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT?   THE CONTRACT THEY MADE OR THEIR HUMANITY?
    To clarify  this was not come by from experience but from thinking, what if it happened?   what is more important?   It wouldn't be fun, but life without each other would be worse. 

THINGS I LOVE

I AM GONNA DO A
                           "THINGS I LOVE"
       WHENEVER IT STRIKES ME
                                           HERE IS NUMBER ONE.

KARMA & COOKIES

                     THIS TURNED OUT BEAUTIFULLY!!

I've been slipping...but...

... I have not fallen.   It is more like when you are on ice and you are slipping,
wriggling, & weaving trying to not fall so you don't  break something.   That is what I've been doing, slipping but not falling.  You might pull your back but you didn't fall and crack your head open!


I need to remind myself what success means to me,  not other's definition.
I need to renew my focus on my goals.  I need to be more disciplined but easier and relaxed with myself.


I am having a terrible time losing weight.  The harder i try the more weight i gain.
but..but...I am off my BP meds and my good cholesterol is higher.  I am healthier!
I have been using "I hate hate hate being fat!" as a mantra.  That is probably the most destructive thing i could do.  I  am changing that and use "healthy" instead.  I need something short so when i go there i can snap back with something positive.


I guess to shorten this I could use this as an example for a lot of areas in my life.  I will spare you the list. I have been beating myself up for my lack of big  progress instead of hugging myself for making any  progress.  I am not a patient person and expect something better than baby steps from myself.


I  almost never give up. I might slow down to regroup though.  I can't remember what was going on but  I  always remember sitting there bawling my head off yelling, "i quit!  I cant do this anymore!   i quit!"  I am sure there was a lot of cursing too.   At the same time I was saying that I was working on whatever it was that was messing me up.  I can't even quit right!

I planted a garden at the community garden.  I was really tense about it for some reason.  I really don't know what I am doing but it is work I like to do.  I like working on something that is problem, solution, done.  With a garden it is plant, water, weed, deal with bugs and hopefully you get produce.  It can be hard work but not hard work.  It is not brain surgery.


I still have health issues giving me hurdles.  It might be a real thing I deal with but no excuse for not succeeding.


 I guess I will leave it here for now.  I will go find a picture to add to this and carry on.   I still have more happy times than not. I tend to dwell too much on problems and not enough on the bright Love around me.

ME WORDS

DO IT #1-ISH

I AM GOING TO TRY HARDER TO DO THINGS ON MY,  DO IT LIST.

ONE THING IS VISIT NEW YORK CITY.

THAT IS JUST GOING TO TAKE MONEY

THE ONE THING THAT WILL TAKE WORK AND A LOT OF MONEY. IS A TRIP TO EUROPE.

FIRST WE NEED PASSPORTS.  I GUESS THEY ARE AROUND $200 PLUS WHATEVER THE PHOTO COSTS.. TIMES 2 = MORE THAN WE CAN AFFORD.

SO EVERYTHING I WANT TO DO WILL TAKE MONEY.

SO FIRST I NEED TO  MAKE SOME MONEY

GET PASSPORTS AND GO FROM THERE.

I WILL DO THIS.  I HAVE NO IDEA HOW,

 BUT I HAVE TO.

 HEY I HAVE NOT POSTED ANYTHING IN AWHILE.  IT TOOK ME AWHILE TO DO THIS TODAY...BUT IT IS HERE NOW.. WARTS AND ALL!!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ?

 i have no idea when i wrote this..i found it saved but not put out there...so i thought I'd post it.  this isn't me right now though.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING HERE TODAY
I LIE

I AM BUSY BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE I AM CHEATING
DOING WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY
BUT I AM NOT BRINGING IN AN INCOME

I AM TRYING TO NOT FORCE THINGS AND LET THINGS PLAY OUT

I AM NOT BEING LAZY
AFTER 4 YEARS OF NO LIFE I HAVE A LOT OF CLUTTER
TO CLEAN OUT

LITERALLY AND NOT

I DIDN'T CHANGE THE COLOR
WHAT-EVER

 g..
HE TAUGHT ME ABOUT FEAR
I GUESS FEAR IS FEAR
BUT WHAT IS ON MY MIND IS PHOBIC KIND OF FEAR
I'VE BEEN OVER PROTECTED KIND OF FEAR
I WON'T LET IT STOP ME BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT GO AWAY

NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW SHELTERED AND OVER PROTECTED I AM

I HAVE THINGS I WANT TO DO LIKE GO TO NYC THAT SCARES ME
IT IS NOT THAT SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN TO ME
IT IS THAT I'LL GET IN A SITUATION..LOST..W/O MONEY
ANYTHING I CAN'T HANDLE OR KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF

THIS IS WAY TOO GABBY AND ICKY
BARFOLA..LATER..

Flowers

SOME LOVE TO MARK

THIS IS WHO I USED TO BE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9sRFrNodgM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJgeQUxP5Is

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUW07Kvmpn8

LAST NIGHT I WENT TO BED WITH MARK BECAUSE HE WAS TIRED.  I WASN'T.  I LAID THERE FOR AWHILE AND CONSIDERED GETTING UP AND SLEEPING ON THE SOFA.

WHICH REMINDED ME OF THE YEARS,YEARS I COULD NOT SLEEP IN THE BED.   NOW IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING SERIOUS TO TAKE ME OUT OF OUR BED.

IT GOT ME THINKING ABOUT HIM .  IT IS NOT THAT I NEVER DID THINK ABOUT WHAT HE WENT THROUGH.  I JUST SEE MORE OF THE BEFORE AND AFTER AND I FEEL FOR HIM.   HOW MUST HE HAVE FELT.  HE WAS THERE EVERY NIGHT WITHOUT ME. HE HEARD ME SICK  EVERY NIGHT.  HE COULD DO NOTHING.  HE HAD TO LAY THERE AND WONDER IF HE WAS GOING TO LOSE ME.   EVEN NOW WHEN I STRUGGLE HE WORRIES.  HE SPENT NIGHT AFTER NIGHT AFTER NIGHT WITHOUT ME NEXT TO HIM AND ALONE.

SOME OF OUR BEST TIMES ARE AT NIGHT.  LOTS OF TIMES WE SHOULD BE SLEEPING BUT WE ARE LAUGHING AND JOKING.  IT IS SOMETHING I REALLY CHERISH.  OUR MR AND MRS FUN.

WE DID NOT HAVE THAT.   HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS WIFE EITHER.

I WAS BARELY FUNCTIONING FOR YEARS. I TRIED TO NOT THINK OF IT.  I WAS SO SICK I WAS JUST ON AUTO PILOT. 

THAT WAS HARD ON US BOTH.  WHEN THE WORST WAS OVER I WILL ADMIT I HAD A HARD TIME BEING HIS WIFE AGAIN. I DIDN'T KNOW WHO I WAS.  HE ALMOST LOST ME THEN TOO.   I NEVER LOST HIM. 

HE NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS,  NOT IF BUT WHEN,  LIKE I DID.

 I SURVIVED AND IT IS MOSTLY BEHIND ME.  I WILL ALWAYS HAVE MY BRAIN TUMOR AND WILL HAVE TO WATCH IT.  IT CAN ALWAYS START GROWING AGAIN.  I AM NO LONGER FIGHTING FOR MY  LIFE.   WE ARE US AGAIN. WE ARE HAPPIER THAN WE HAVE EVEN BEEN.  HE HAS HIS WIFE BACK.  I HAVE ME BACK.  I NO LONGER HAVE ONE FOOT OUT OF THE DOOR.  I KNOW I AM TOO HONEST. WE ALL GO THROUGH THINGS.  EVERY BAD THING IS SOMETHING TOO LEARN FROM.  THE ONLY TRAGEDY ABOUT THE AWFUL THINGS IN LIFE IS IF YOU DON'T LEARN, BUILD, AND USE IT FOR STRENGTH.

I WILL GET TO MY POINT.  I WANT EVERYONE TO SEND MARK SOME LOVE.  I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE OR IF YOU KNOW HIM OR NOT.  TELL HIM GOOD JOB.  TELL HIM HE IS WONDERFUL.  TELL HIM I APPRECIATE HIM NEVER LEAVING MY SIDE NO MATTER HOW MEAN OR UGLY OR HURTFUL.  HE NEVER LEFT.

SO PLEASE PLEASE..GIVE HIM SOME LOVE.  HE DESERVES IT.  WE ALL DESERVE IT.  NONE OF US KNOWS IF WE HAVE THE NEXT MOMENT.  SO I WANT TO MAKE ALL OF MY RIGHT NOWS COUNT.   SPREAD THE LOVE!

HAPPY :-D EVERYDAY!!

sorry out of sync..

stepping stones

we don't have money to travel

but we can get a passport for when the day comes

we can't even afford a passport right now

i am making  steps forward..

 we don't have the money right now but we will

QUICK

short term

life is life so be it..  dig it and dance

so to get what i want in the big picture i need to tend to small pictures

i need to get healthier

i have come a long long way

but i am obese

i need to find a way to lose weight

i can't seem to lose any after my hysterectomy

in hind sight i wish i would have taken g's advice and taken the alternative route and kept my parts

but i was suffering and didn't have the strength for that

but i wish i would have tried

but too late..that ship sailed 

on spilled milk a long time ago!

combining  silly phrases!!

i need to be more strict on how i eat.  cutting out grains has really helped me feel much better.  but i need to try harder to  keep out the sugar and carbs.  the biggest thing is increasing what i eat.  i need more veggies. i need to not use lack of funds and winter as an excuse.  the SFW takes effect.. so what fresh veggies are harder to find.. buy smaller amounts..get a few kinds make a veggie soup or stew or even a pickled salad.  i don't really eat that much sugar.  it is not so much what i eat but what i am not eating.

and exercise.  recently i am just moving whenever and however i can.  i am not stressing over..well i only did 10 minutes.. and i am not letting no space stop me.  I'll run in place, i even do jumping jacks..kind of .  my right shoulder won't go that high.  i even dance and do the twist. whatever i do i will do it fast then slow then fast again.. get my breathing going and my heart rate up.

next is getting rid of the clutter and mess...this is a bigger problem than me but g says i have everything i need so i guess it is just another part of me i haven't tapped yet.

so i will tap it.

saying something

http://www.kashi.org/teaching/karmic-spaces/
 g told me to get this book.  it came on Dec. 30th.
i have only read about a dozen or so pages and it is great so far.
it is a part of my journey.
i keep repeating old bad habits and painful patterns.
one day i hope to be free from all of the habitual pains i let happen

one in particular.



we had a great new year's eve.
i smiled the whole night and i didn't drink
i feel strong and determined

i don't have much to say right now
i have things i don't wish to express

i am making baby steps now forward to
the things i want

it is not a list like go to the store
balance the check book
some of it is like
visit New York city

another part of it to live
to breath and live in joy
to make up for the years i lived in pain
because i thought i was safer there